Verisimilitude
by UnluckyAmulet
Summary: Kurenai is used to things that aren't real. But sometimes she has difficulty telling the difference between illusions and reality.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!

Enjoy!

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"You're ill, Kurenai." 

Kurenai ignores him. Sometimes, it works and he leaves. Other times, like tonight, it doesn't. He is almost as persistent as Gai, and equally annoying. Gai is loud and obnoxious, but Kakashi is stubborn. Often, she can persuade Gai to leave. Kakashi is a tougher sell- He only leaves if he can see she won't budge. She hopes that he can't see through her facade.

"You should stop."

"Go home, Kakashi."

Kakashi doesn't argue, but he certainly doesn't leave either. He just stays standing there while Kurenai makes the same hand seals again, wincing only slightly as the cuts on her fingers sting.

Kurenai hasn't touched a drop of sake since the morning where Tsunade explained to her why she was throwing up in the mornings and why she felt bloated and tired all the time. Wouldn't ever touch or take anything that might hurt her unborn child.

But she has to do something to take her mind off it. Has to do something to slip into sweet oblivious for just a few hours. It's not too much to ask, really.

It seemed Kakashi begged to differ.

"Kurenai...it might seem easier. But it's killing you."

"It's just training."

Gai is easier to throw off, by far. He's louder, and more difficult to get rid of in public. Kakashi is easier then. But when they're alone, Gai can be distracted. Kakashi is always watching. Always ready for her excuses. The wind whistles slightly as it blows through the trees. The moon is silently watching.

"No, it's not."

His tone is flat. Flat, but she can hear sympathy creeping into it. She doesn't want any of it.

"Kakashi, go _home._"

It is really such a bad thing? Just spending a few hours not putting on a strong face? Just spending a few hours in a place where things aren't permanent?

"No."

She is so tempted to collapse. Just to break down, and let the others comfort her. It aches. It aches so badly for her. She just wants to be allowed to _feel_. For a little while. Let the barriers just crumble away. Stop being a shinobi for a moment.

But she can't. She can't, and she won't. Letting others see her like this would make her lose everything she worked so hard to achieve. She will not let her reputation of being a strong kunoichi be destroyed. She won't let herself succumb to the sea that is threatening to swallow her. She won't let others give her pity. She has to rely on herself, now. Giving herself in to weaknesses means that she won't be strong enough. She has to be strong, not just for herself, but for her child.  
His child.

Kakashi watches. She doesn't want him to see how much it hurts. Doesn't want him to see how truly vulnerable she is now.

Because if somebody else acknowledges it, then it will be true.

Kurenai is a master of genjutsus.

She allows herself to slip into the background, enter the maze she crafts in the minds of others.

But sometimes, she uses her own weapon on herself.

Nights are too hard. It is too much. Being in her own genjutsu allows her to enter somewhere where she can finally allow herself to cry. In her own illusions, it's the last place where she can still see him. Once she creates the seal, she can instantly see what she wants to most, and what never rests in her mind. His scent, a mixture of tobacco and his own scent. It is Asuma's scent. Kurenai still can smell it when she wakes up in the morning, and for a second she is blissfully happy.

And then she remembers. And her heart breaks all over again. The same emotions swirl back up to the surface of her mind. Anger. Angry with him for leaving, and anger that he had to die. Grief. Greif because he's dead. Guilt. Guilty that she couldn't do anything. Sorrow. Sorry he had to die, sorry he will never see their child grow. And so Kurenai slips into her own trap.

She catches herself, with promises of strong arms holding her again, being with him once again. But then, the fragile web that she carefully crafts shatters, and she is back in the harsh grip of reality.

She has been retreating into her own private reality so much, that the lines between the two become blurred. Kurenai forgets, sometimes, that Asuma is really dead. To her, when she disappears into her muted, soft world, he is only dead to everyone else. In her own illusions, he is there, he is alive. In that world, he is real. Nights are taken over with half-dreams and her waking, only to find herself reaching out for things that aren't there.

So when Kakashi interrupts, stops her from pretending for just a few hours that nothing happened, the pain burns inside Kurenai, and it's so painfully real that she wonders how anybody else can survive the pain of loss, without their own private place to slip into.

"Kurenai."

Kurenai faces away from Kakashi. It is cold, but she can barely feel it. She shuts her eyes from the briefest moment.  
_  
Don't tell me it's not real. Don't tell me that I'm kidding myself. Because I know._

"Kurenai, you have to stop."

She turns. Has he guessed?

Kakashi's eyes are as blank as the cloth covering his mouth. It is almost impossible to see what he's thinking. But there's a strangely soft, thick tinge to his voice.

"He would not want this, Kurenai. It hurts, it's lonely. I understand. But if you keep this up, you'll never be able to accept it. He's gone Kurenai. But you're not. You have to live, not just for Asuma, and not just for your child. But you have to live for yourself as well."

Kurenai doesn't answer. He's right. She knows he is right. But for the first time, it doesn't make her hurt, hearing it. She simply feels...relieved.

"Thank you."

Kakashi looks at Kurenai, and he sees tears sliding down her face, for the first time since the funeral. But she seems oddly resolved. Kakashi doesn't know whether this means she will stop altogether, or whether it will take much longer then that.  
But he knows that she has accepted that she must stop. And he is relieved.

Kakashi turns and walks away. He has done what he came to do. Now, it's up to Kurenai.

Once she is certain Kakashi is out of sight, Kurenai's hand goes, almost unconsciously, to the slight swell of her stomach.

"I'm sorry." She mutters, rubbing her stomach. "I was selfish. But I won't let anything kill me. I promise."

Kurenai raises her hands, and forms the seal.  
Slipping into her own world once again.

End

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Ironically, I haven't even got to the part of the manga where Asuma dies yet. I don't even read the manga much, I just watch the anime. Actually, I only read the Manga because I love the Akatsuki so much. (Kurenai's pretty lucky I decided to do this fic about her. It was either her or Itachi/Sasuke.)

This kind of turned out too romantic for what I was initially going for, but I'm happy with my ending. What did you think?

Reviews are good.


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